From a young age, many boys are taught to suppress their emotions. Phrases like “man up”, “real men don’t cry”, and “deal with it” are often ingrained in our culture. These messages don’t just shape how boys perceive themselves—they can have lasting effects on emotional well-being, relationships, and may even lead to addiction.
In South Africa, where societal pressures, high unemployment, community violence, and generational trauma are prevalent, these beliefs about masculinity can be particularly harmful. Many men suffer in silence, turning to substances or risky behaviours as the only “acceptable” way to cope.
But what if we reimagined what it means to be a man?
Understanding Masculinity Myths
Masculinity myths are societal beliefs or stereotypes about how “real men” should behave. Common examples include:
- “Real men don’t cry.”
- “Talking about emotions is weak.”
- “Men must always be strong, in control, and independent.”
- “Asking for help makes you less of a man.”
These myths are not only unrealistic—they are harmful. They teach boys and men to bottle up their emotions, avoid vulnerability, and suffer silently rather than admit when they are struggling.
The Link Between Masculinity and Addiction
When men are conditioned to suppress their emotions, they often lack healthy outlets for their feelings. This emotional suppression can lead to:
- Substance Use: Turning to alcohol or drugs as a socially acceptable way to cope with unwanted or difficult feelings, emotions or situations.
- Risky Behaviours: Engaging in gambling, overworking, or aggression—not out of malice, but as a means to manage internal turmoil.
In South Africa, the statistics are telling:
Depression remains a significant yet often hidden issue among South African men. Research shows that approximately 13.5% of South African men experience symptoms of depression, yet many go undiagnosed or untreated (Tomita, Labys, & Burns, 2015). This is not due to a lack of suffering, but rather because cultural and societal expectations often discourage men from expressing emotional vulnerability. The stigma around mental illness, paired with the damaging belief that “real men don’t cry,” leaves many men silently battling depression — sometimes turning to alcohol, drugs, or other risky behaviours to cope.
Substance use among men has seen a concerning rise. According to a study published in the International Journal of Drug Policy, the prevalence of recent drug use among South African men increased from 3.3% in 2002 to 15.5% in 2017 (Harker et al., 2024). This sharp increase suggests that many are turning to substances to manage emotional pain that they feel unable to express.
The consequences can be fatal. South Africa ranks 10th globally for suicide rates, and men die by suicide at a rate of 37.6 per 100,000 — far higher than women (South African Federation for Mental Health [SAFMH], 2022). This is not because men feel less, but because many feel unable or unsafe to express what’s going on inside.
These figures highlight the urgent need to address the underlying emotional, cultural, and societal factors that contribute to men’s mental health struggles.
A South African Perspective
In South Africa, the pressure to appear tough and emotionally invulnerable is compounded by various factors:
- Generational Trauma: Historical injustices and unresolved traumas continue to affect communities.
- Economic Challenges: High unemployment rates and financial instability can lead to feelings of inadequacy.
- Cultural Norms: Deeply rooted gender roles often discourage men from expressing vulnerability.
Consider the story of Lebo, a 35-year-old from Soweto:
“When I lost my job, I did not talk to anyone. I just drank. I did not know how to say I felt like a failure. I thought I had to handle it like a man—on my own.”
Lebo’s experience is not unique. Many men across South Africa navigate life’s challenges without the emotional tools or support systems they need.
The Cost of Silence
The silence demanded by masculinity myths doesn’t just harm the individual—it affects families, communities, and society at large:
- Undiagnosed Mental Health Issues: Many men suffer from depression and anxiety without seeking help.
- Strained Relationships: Emotional suppression can lead to communication breakdowns and isolation.
- Increased Risk of Substance Abuse: Without healthy coping mechanisms, some men turn to substances to numb their pain.
Redefining Masculinity
It’s time to challenge and redefine what it means to be a man:
- Embrace Vulnerability: Recognizing and expressing emotions is a sign of strength, not weakness.
- Seek Support: Talking to a friend, counsellor, or support group can be transformative.
- Educate and Advocate: Encourage open conversations about mental health and challenge harmful stereotypes.
A Message of Hope
To every man reading this: You are not alone. It’s okay to feel, to hurt, and to seek help. Embracing your emotions doesn’t make you less of a man—it makes you human.
Recovery and healing are possible. By challenging outdated beliefs and supporting one another, we can create a society where men are free to express themselves fully and live healthier, more fulfilling lives.
If this resonates with you or someone you care about, consider reaching out for support here. Talking to can be the first step toward healing.
References:
Harker, N., Mphahlele, R. K., Pahl, K., & Scheibe, A. (2024). Trends in drug use among men in South Africa: A 15-year review. International Journal of Drug Policy, 124, 104557. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.drugpo.2020.102839
South African Federation for Mental Health. (2022). Breaking the silence on men’s mental health in South Africa. https://www.safmh.org/breaking-the-silence-on-mens-mental-health-in-south-africa
Tomita, A., Labys, C. A., & Burns, J. K. (2015). Depression and anxiety symptoms in South Africa: The role of perceived neighborhood crime and social determinants of health. PLoS ONE, 10(5), e0125817. https://doi.org/10.2989/17280583.2012.731410
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