Recovery is about more than stepping away from the drink, the drug, or the addictive behaviour. It is also about discovering new, healthier ways of relating to yourself and to the people in your life.
Sometimes in recovery, you may notice a pattern where your sense of safety, self-worth, or emotional balance feels closely tied to another person’s approval, attention, or presence. You might find yourself constantly checking in with them, feeling uneasy if they are not available, or putting their needs ahead of your own even when it leaves you drained.
This pattern has a name: co-dependency. While the word can sound heavy or even negative, it simply describes a way of relating where your identity and emotional wellbeing become overly dependent on someone else. The important thing to remember is that this pattern is learned, not fixed—and with awareness and practice, it can change.
If you recognise yourself in any of these examples, know that you are not alone, and you are not broken. Co-dependency is often learned in environments where love and care felt conditional, unpredictable, or unsafe (Bacon et al., 2020). In recovery, it can resurface as you navigate new relationships and boundaries. The good news is that it is possible to unlearn these patterns and develop a healthier, more balanced way of connecting with others.
Understanding Co-Dependency
At its heart, co-dependency is about a deep need for connection that has become tangled with fear of rejection, abandonment, or conflict. It often involves:
- Over-focusing on others: Constantly checking in on someone’s mood or trying to fix their problems.
- Neglecting your own needs: Feeling guilty for resting, saying no, or doing something just for yourself.
- Difficulty setting boundaries: Struggling to say no, even when something feels uncomfortable or draining.
For example, imagine you are in recovery, and a close friend is having a hard time. You cancel your own therapy session to spend the day with them, not because you want to, but because you fear they might be upset if you do not. While the intention is care, over time this can drain your emotional energy and hinder your own healing.
Why Co-Dependency Can Show Up in Recovery
Many people in recovery have lived through environments where they had to manage other people’s emotions to feel safe. This might have been in a family affected by addiction, abuse, or neglect. When the focus is always on someone else’s needs or moods, you may learn to ignore your own feelings and instincts.
In recovery, without the old coping mechanisms of substances or addictive behaviours, these patterns can feel even more intense. You may find yourself clinging to relationships as a source of safety, even when it means losing touch with your own needs. This is a common experience observed in clinical practice.
Healing from Co-Dependency
Healing from co-dependency is not about cutting people off or becoming “selfish.” It is about learning to stay connected while also honouring your own needs, feelings, and boundaries.
Here are some steps that can help:
- Start Noticing Your Patterns
Keep a gentle curiosity about your behaviour. Do you often say “yes” when you mean “no”? Do you avoid speaking up because you fear upsetting someone? Awareness is the first step toward change. - Reconnect with Yourself
Recovery is a time to rediscover who you are without the addiction. Try journaling about your values, hobbies, and dreams. Ask yourself, “What do I truly need today?” - Practice Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are not walls to keep people out—they are doors that help you choose how and when you connect. It might mean taking a night for self-care instead of answering every phone call, or being honest about when you cannot help. - Build Supportive Relationships
Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and encourage your growth. Support groups, peer mentors, and counselling can help you practice new ways of relating. - Seek Professional Guidance
A therapist familiar with addiction recovery can help you explore the roots of co-dependency and learn healthier patterns. Therapy can also provide tools for managing the anxiety or guilt that may arise as you make changes.
An Example of Change
Consider this: Thandi, two years into recovery, noticed she was constantly putting her partner’s needs before her own. She skipped her support group to help them with tasks they could have managed themselves. Over time, she felt drained and resentful. Through therapy, Thandi learned to express her needs and set small boundaries—like keeping her group night non-negotiable. At first, she worried her partner would feel hurt. Instead, she found they respected her more, and her own sense of confidence grew.
Hope for the Future
If you recognise co-dependency in your life, it does not mean you have failed in recovery. It simply means there is another layer of healing to explore. You have already proven your strength by choosing recovery—you can apply that same strength to building healthier, more balanced relationships.
Healing from co-dependency is a gradual process. There will be moments when you slip into old habits, and that is okay. Progress is not about perfection—it is about awareness, choice, and self-compassion. Over time, you will find that you can care deeply for others while also standing firmly in your own life, your own choices, and your own worth.
You deserve relationships built on mutual respect, honesty, and care—not fear or obligation. And those relationships are possible.
References
Bacon, I., McKay, E., Reynolds, F., & McIntyre, A. (2020). The Lived Experience of Codependency: an Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction. (2020) 18:754–771. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11469-018-9983-8
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