If you are in recovery, or if someone you care about is, you have probably heard the word boundaries more than once. Setting boundaries is a key part of healing. But let us be honest — it does not always feel good. In fact, it can feel painful, confusing, and even like betrayal.
You might wonder: If they really loved me, why would they step back? Or: If I walk away from this group of friends, am I abandoning them? These are hard questions, and you’re not alone in asking them.
What Are Boundaries, Really?
Boundaries are not walls. They are not meant to shut people out or punish them. Boundaries are healthy limits we set to protect our well-being — physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. They are a way of saying, “This is what I need in order to stay safe and well.”
For example, a boundary might look like not lending money to a loved one who is actively using drugs. Or it might be deciding not to go to a party where you know there will be drinking. Boundaries can also be as simple as saying no to a conversation that feels triggering or taking space when you need to focus on your healing.
Why Boundaries Can Feel So Uncomfortable
Boundaries can bring up a lot of emotions — guilt, fear, sadness, even anger. If someone sets a boundary with you, it might feel like rejection or abandonment. You might think, “They have given up on me” or “They do not love me anymore.”
On the flip side, if you are the one setting the boundary, you might feel like you are being mean or selfish. Especially if you have spent a long time trying to keep the peace or put other people’s needs before your own.
This discomfort is completely normal. Most of us did not grow up learning how to set or respect boundaries. We might have been taught that love means always being available, saying yes, or sacrificing ourselves. So, when we start doing things differently, it can feel strange — even wrong.
When Families Set Boundaries
If you are struggling with addiction, and your family starts to pull back — maybe they stop giving you money, or will not let you stay with them anymore — it can feel like betrayal. It hurts. You might feel alone and abandoned at the exact time you need support the most.
But here is the thing: Often, those boundaries come from love. Families also carry their own pain, and setting a boundary is sometimes the only way they know how to survive or begin their own healing. It is not always done perfectly, but it is not always a sign that they have stopped caring.
When You Set Boundaries in Recovery
Recovery means changing your environment — and that includes relationships. That might mean limiting time with certain friends, not going to certain places, or stepping away from dynamics that trigger you to use.
You might feel like you are turning your back on people. You might be scared of being alone. That’s real, and it is valid. But remember, setting boundaries is not about blaming others. It’s about choosing yourself. You can care about someone and still need space to heal.
For example, someone might stop attending family gatherings where they are constantly shamed or misunderstood. Or they might ask a friend not to bring up the past every time they meet. These are brave acts of self-care, not betrayal.
The Healing Power of Boundaries
Though they can feel painful at first, boundaries are one of the most powerful tools for healing. They help you feel safe, build trust with yourself, and stay on track in your recovery. Over time, boundaries often lead to deeper, more respectful relationships.
And just like recovery, setting boundaries is a process. You might get it wrong sometimes. That’s okay. What matters is being honest with yourself and others about what you need.
A Few Gentle Reminders About Boundaries
- You are allowed to take care of yourself, even if it disappoints others.
- You are not responsible for how someone reacts to your boundary — only for how you express it.
- Boundaries are not permanent. As you grow and heal, your boundaries can shift too.
- You can set boundaries and still love the person. The two are not opposites.
Finding Strength in the Discomfort
If boundaries feel like betrayal right now, know that you are not alone — and you do not have to figure it all out on your own. Talking to a counsellor can help you explore what boundaries you need and how to set them in ways that are both kind and respectful. Recovery groups and support networks can also remind you that others have walked this road too — and come out stronger.
Boundaries are not the end of love or connection. More often, they are the beginning of something more honest, more respectful, and more healing — both with others and within yourself.
You are worthy of relationships where you feel safe, valued, and seen. And you are allowed to protect your peace as you move forward in your healing.
This journey is not easy, but every step you take — even the hard ones — matters. You are growing. You are healing. And that is something to be deeply proud of. If you need help setting or navigating through boundaries, contact me here for support or guidance- we are in this together.
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